- I’m glad I avoided Hansel and Gretel in the theaters, waiting to see it on blu-ray, if I saw it at all. I wish I had not seen it. Period.
- Jeremy Renner (Hansel) and Gemma Arterton (Gretel) try to give this film a semi-serious tone similar to Pirates of the Carribbean. They fail. In part, probably, because that is not the tone for which the film’s producers (Will Ferrell amongst them) and director (Tommy Wirkola) seem to be reaching. Whether intentionally or not, Hansel and Gretel functions better as a spoof of fairy tales turned into action flicks, and it might have been a fun spoof, if only Renner and Arterton hadn’t taken the movie so seriously.
- Famke Janssen strikes the right tone, but I don’t know if that was intentional. She gives a spoof worthy performance. If that’s what she was supposed to do, she does it brilliantly. If it isn’t, if she was supposed to take this film as seriously as the other leads, then Janssen is terrible.
- The plot is stupid. Beyond stupid even. As one example, when worried about his kidnapped sister’s safety, Hansel takes time to sleep with a hottie, who also happens to be a witch. But a good one. Argh.
- Gretel is a famous witch hunter who has assisted in the capture or killing of some six hundred witches, apparently, but outside of the first battle, she’s nonetheless reliant on men and trolls to win every fight for her. Okay, I guess.
- The exposition break for Janssen to explain Hansel and Gretel’s backstory is unbearable. How many ways are there to say, “I don’t care?”
- You know what? Why am I still writing about this horrible movie? Don’t see it.
- Final Grade: F-